you sit on the outside
looking into to that house,
that soul.
inside, lurking behind the
tightly bound shutters,
we see the dark corner that never grew.
a girl who never let herself be young.

before we taught ourselves to lie
we taught ourselves to believe we were made
to carve out our own perfection.
to die by this sword, daily.

our standards met in the form
of disappointment of ourselves.

we fear being ignorant,
being vulnerable, and simple.
yet the absence of these
is not wisdom, it’s loss.

where does simplicity
rest within complex walls
built so high within ourselves?

i’m not the gate keeper
at the door of my own wisdom. what do i know?
I do not hold the key to the mysteries about myself,
the ones we don’t fully understand.

maybe that’s the beauty

I don’t have to know at all..
were just the ones who tell the story.

What breaks your heart
And blows your mind?

Going through life knowing truth
Exists, but never seeking.
Unconditional love is mind spearing.

To die for a world who hates you,
Doesn’t know you,
Doesn’t want to,
And still love unconditionally.

We are set back with these bodies,
But if we could ignore the elements,
Inside our souls are floating
Pent up staring from the inside
Through the glossy scales.

we all sit at distances
from people,
not worth reaching,
leaving spaces not
worth filling.
Separating ourselves
continually.

and wondering why we feel alone.

your covered in skin
that traps your potential

prisioner to this mortal body,
keeping you from achieving greater,
and makes you feel attached to feeling.

set back by just breathing.

look inside her eyes
and know, who she really is
was not who you see.

she is the essence
breathed into something living
a log of memory,
experice,
hurt,
and suffering.

were all just doing what we
can to make it

and yet we sit at that distance
and judge the other soul for doing the same.

you look deep into those
beautiful eyes and know
these are not just brain functions
these are not just here words
poured out into a sorrow pool
of perfect poetry.

and the music is not just a melody
its love spilled into the prolonging
of a word and harmonized by a tune,
captivating your being.

its your soul singing
pouring out your heart into
the lyrics

you just want him to look back at you
and really see you for who you are
for a moment,
for a second
without falling through the distance.

you want God to know your heart
and that theres truly no other
friend in the society of christian believers
like the ones who don’t believe
the ones who are dear to me.

to obtain
to fathom
a God we can wrap our
head around
is not worth serving.

my brain is a cup of salt water,
that cannot know the ocean fully.

just like you expected.

my feelings would fluctuate
lead me to a distant place.
i couldn’t promise i’d stay.

you waited for me
just to know i couldn’t love
you like you wanted..
guess you were right about me

i looked at you through a mirror
i saw the longing that was pushed aside
and forced to live a different life,
burned into my eyes
the memory,
tears were the ashes
trails left behind on my cheeks
evidence of a feeling.

now here i am returning to
that emotion.
gravitating towards uncertainty
what you do reflects whats inside
and i guess i love not knowing.

he always left me guessing
a little each day
we never say it clearly
just a hint of something
then nothing.
running in circles
coming up empty.
wish i could say whats going on
but i can’t see it from this angle.

i guess we really don’t know
what we want
we just keep guessing.

in all thats falling apart around me
all we want is equanimity in this body.
to rest in our head

nobody said it would be easy

this world wants to use me,
give me its soul.

i bend
brake
and bleed.

To be seen weak
To be seen at all

fight til we can
make our mark
leave our legend,

claim it as ours

when you can’t take any
of it
with you.

so whats left
in the hollow ground?
“just the lust in the
lover’s bones” he whispers.

materials,
people,
are just weapons
that leave black holes.

a grave
held up by dirt
where you began
is where..

it all ends.

won’t you let change
convince you to wear its chain?
call you by your name?
swing around your neck?
For loss of control?

For none of your own strength
For none at all.

nothing is certain
except your last breath.

living in it
to never love again.
Because love isn’t real
Unless its everlasting

Because it would take that long
To know

And were just a breath,
Were nothing at all

give me a chance
i’ll give you regret.

so if its not me
waiting for
you to
spell it out
on a falling bridge, or
on my knees,
then i’m fighting the peace.

why is it
we always feel the fire
underneath.

that feeling of hate
eating out my insides.

i don’t have the strength
to feel humble

i don’t want to bend,
this is how it is.

you drill holes in your hands,
only to watch us go from loyal
to hateful.

how can you still love me?

i sink like sand

how can you still forgive me?

I can’t forgive her.
i can’t feel holy.

give me a life
and i poison it
with smoke

i’m not holy
i’m not holy

if i go to the truth
i will have to bend

so here i am avoiding it..

dreaming of waking up with him
and feeling nothing.
just taking up space
leaving a mold in the
sheets.
like a pile of clothes with no body
to occupy.

and if theres no soul..

my body is a machine
running on its own
waiting to crash, rust
sin or scream.

and my bones wear my skin
to look alive,
my blood makes it blush.
and the depth that
is with in
flowing out like poetry,
is just the script used to communicate
what is with in.

we still wake up wondering
if we should believe.

we still wake up
wanting
waiting
needing
and knowing no end.

and here we are
doing the same things
we’ve always done
and getting the same outcome,

our world knit together,
the threads of insanity.

you still wake up waiting
for something
to save you

you still wake up
with fire
and nothing to burn.