Dying Creativity

oh, the games we play in the dark,
but it’s not what you think…
just a lusting smirk
just a crooked smile
and we think it is all for fun
just..fun

its just,
the extension of you
in the corner of my eye
melting down my face
with one single tear.

tonight is a gambler’s promise
as you bluff
when you bet on tonight.
suppose the full moon will save you
“your ass is mine” they yell

its just
the silhouette you cast
in a dark shadow

im lost inside
these web of lies.

our chances
the essence of reason
so you deal the cards
and roll the dice.

i know we have all failed at some point
weakness to weakness
time to spiral back down into my covers
the sanctuary in this war
were all fighting for something
were scared to believe in.

looking back into Decembers
is this worth repeating,
a cold winter
with guns cocked
and eyes lowered
brothers against brothers.

there you are
bloody liar.
said your not that guy
you are with me.
back to the triangle
that tangles us.
were all just liars.

half open eyes
in half open worlds.
at some point or another
we all need a cure.
but ‘cure’ is just a word in
a life boat
drifting far from me.
im not the one to save you.
and when you let
me in half way
half of me gets you,
the other
sees a mask
and i smile.
my heart is the victim.
vulnerability sneaks into my corner..
my strength is a ghost
leaving me
across the universe.

with in the day.
i consume ten water bottles
to drain out the alcohol,
blink twice before looking
now you know where you are.
the guy on the left is confused
thanks to me.
ive made him think he is great
soon he will fall,
because i lied,
we all do it.
i try to look the other way,
we all have.
drink past my limit…
who hasn’t?
hydrate.
now just breathe and
be still ..
my heart thuds when i try.
all that’s left is to
read past the lines
to find a mix meaning to this
sedating medication.
im a mess
can’t you tell.
was it really me?
i have the worst intentions
wiped across my face
and the most honest plea…
god,
if you can hear me
drown my sin in your blood.
while my head is in my hands
and girl on the right
looks ashamed to have known me.
im a mess
can’t you tell.
god,
i don’t want to be like everyone else.
look past the guilt where
nothing is left but flesh, blood
and hope

we wake in moments
sleep in hours
turn, under pressure
flee in disaster.
i always thought,
i would be the survivor
at the end of the sinking ship.
i guess i was just laughing out
loud
because you couldn’t hear my real thoughts.
if im so damn bad
why was there no red flags?
and my body was dragging me down with
its intentions?
was i not aware
that this what i have become.
if im surviving
its not with you.
the push over
has fallen to the ground.
no more surrender signs,
and now the weak girl speaks
with trembling lips
“let me go”

im so done
repeating the thoughts that
shake me.
fuck the shit out of
double standards
your done using me,
having her.
she waits for you
yet your facing me..forever
didn’t someone once tell you
to live your dream.
you know i don’t fit their.
you’ll never get any closer
then my lips,
then my eyes,
were on fire.
stay on the edge of my desire
trying to let you inside.
to watch it all fuck up.

dawn peaks over a planet one morning.
my planet.
its when everything is silent
when everything is best kept quiet.
except the noise in my head,
the inevitable irritation.
it will never stop yelling complaints.
i try to hold my beliefs,
but my failure
still inks the page.
the morning has made
itself known in my room,
im done fitting myself into my skin
its me or nothing
not weight of the world
they will never know
how i get redeemed.
its the coffee on the table,
and my head beside it.
its the confession
im giving.
i can’t do this with nothing
to believe in.

the living breeze.
it dawns on me..
hoping i might live in its chemical bonds
so i try for it..
break and bare for
the moment to spare
until it fades from you,
and disperses.
and why
giving up was the option
and not the choice.
take care of your body
for it fails when you
disown its life.
surfacing your thoughts
crowning your deeds,
you are lower than
the roots that grew you.
so lead.
careful not to..
flock to..them
mold for..them
turn on..them.
i was the follower..
dying faster then the
matched flame.

he sucked the life out of me!
im not the same.
god knows im not the same.
im twisting in my sheets
im sweating in my skin.
pain does not last for ever
but it leaves me in quite despair.
four walls,
a drug,
and my body.
conciliating with each other
until one shrinks back into the corner.
im alive he says, so you will be fine.
i believe im alive
I’ve just lost my soul.
im searching for the surface
the chance to come up
above shadows,
or descend from clouds.
my skeleton is a feeble frame.
it bends for you,
retracting back into something stronger.
casting shadows
covering flames
burning this disease
burning it to the ground.

im dying from my actions,
innocence doesn’t exist today.
im back where i started
curled up in bed.
im sleeping with a disease
and a melody.
its the violinist playing with my hearts strings.
a chronic pain leaps forward
to surprise me.
now i want a voice so i can yell
“take me”