Dying Creativity

i just want to say this so it stays
with me.
a quiet concept
something easy to rest on tonight.
how can i settle for that ignorant part of me.
so i was living with people
always one step ahead from where i am.
or ever was.
but still im alive and
this makes me capable
of a night ready to slide through my insides.
we can’t escape the brutal endings.
and this is already getting to me.
the very fact that nonsense is life.
couldn’t we get more action?
movies just don’t do it for me.
anything
just get the graphic images
of you dying that
id rather not picture, out of my ill mannered thoughts.
great,
now im disturbed
cause im starting to like the idea.
fuck it.
shall i start my life all over?
after all
wouldn’t everyone want a clean slate.
or better yet.
living in skin that won’t break.

life on my feet
as we knew it.
it wouldn’t last that way
and as you know
its my life that’s left to bleed.
and hopes die
and sorrows flee in time.
so i look at you.
one more soul to please.
so i was bound to let you down
and you landed in soft pillows
so we can escape the hard feelings right?
your sticking to walls that won’t hold you there.
you picture the resolve
in black and white photos in your mind.
summer ends on the cold front.

I’ve smeared the led across
the page.
with black fingers
just to get out this unforgiving
passion.
the picture was made
in severe persuasion.
and all i could do is lie.
while you give me advice saying:
all you can do is try harder next time.
my body
i wish you could hear it say
“their is love in me”
i swear!
it screams..
“their sure as hell is love inside!”
you gave me just the very thought
and im scratching to see results.
we dress to thrill
yes,
and the music makes us walk the line.
were still searching
just to find our energy
of life.
my desires have died on this bed
along with my pride
is it to much to say i forgive everyone.
is it to much to have discretion?
and now the sent on my clothes
smells of solitude.
oh please sun!
smile at me.
and cover me with golden rays.
they bleach my dull morning.
sleep walking off all the fears
some day i’ll wake up
and realize it was just me
like an anchor weighed with your sins
each time it sinks deeper.
oh please sun!
won’t you shine for this world
it stirs blacker with its faults
yet we still drink it
like cheap wine.

so you were the first to say it
i wrote it and called it mine.
the peak of inspiration.
and you would sound it out for me.
these days seem shorter
everyones the same.
so i’ve gotten used to
each scenario
im quite over everyone this time.
so i still read your texts every now and then
its the one light that leaks through
when the world covers my eyes

im breathing, with lungs that lay still.
you scratch the surface,
of my emotional crisis.
and the foreshadowing
of movies
keeping me awake
late nights
when i should be asleep.
were separated by time.
or at least thats the message im getting.
and now its space as well.
the magic word waiting.
what if i was to tell you
i just want to sit with you
and trace your scars.
there we were
swaying back and forth with the sea.
i had two anchors
chained to my feet.
but that wasnt enough to
stop the boat from sailing east.
and now ive lost my way
i can’t see.
but you say.
look again.

come back down to earth.
we strattle the lines
that gave us boundaries.
the stars tell me to hang
in there for the moment.
copy and paste
so i don’t forget these words
no.
i can’t forget your words
its like silent poison
streaming in vains.
it’s never been so addicting
to die.
im not missing anything
you said everything.
i guess im just easy to please

and what if the things we want most
are just like vapors in air.
disappearing after they have been sucked in.
you remind me how to breathe.

now we know
the falling sun is
not an illusion.
it’s not me
i can’t say this.
your eyes scream
rebellion.
so you turn away
in this cold complication.
it only takes one.
one word.
you won’t bring your self
to speak
i won’t settle for the right
things
i gladly take what
could be wrong for me.
sound it out.
my breath
lingers over three letters.
the notion
weighs on my shoulders,
when you try to explain.
you.
or just your name
is soothing.
it seems like just
the right amount
of good virtue to
say i care.
but these hours
threw me up and
left me there.
my decisions,
you could call them
drunk.
with a mixture of
cold colors.
but even they couldn’t turn
around unstable.
but they seem to
only turn on me.

and i’ll never
really understand
the words im writing
it just lives in me
like the cob webs
underneath
the trust.
but are they worth
writing?
and the silver lining
so the clouds
are worth parting.
or maybe
each broken piece
is worth a song.
but i haven’t crossed the
streets just yet.
perhaps
its in cold blood
that we sleep soundly.

why did the rain stop pouring?
why does my heart
feel numb?
i just want to break down.
i miss the tears
that gave you dignity
in my mind.
i just want to feel something.