Dying Creativity

I think it’s becuase we force ourselves to sleep
I think I’m awake becuase I force myself to think.
You haven’t spoken a word until now.
Im awake waiting for the reply to sink
looming the breaths I take with the words
the stairs alone are a journey
the light show in my mind
is of our memories
the rest was the dark where
the light didn’t reach.
So I guess that means I’m living life
in an obscure state.

i suppose this feeling
is like another shift from reality,
but i think it could be
better than the altered kiss.
betrayal is like another
swallowed pill
that wavers in my stomach,
playing with my sanity.
this town is taped up
like our skin.
and now that I’m half way fixed
it takes more than
your bare hands to tare me,
maybe the stones can break me
but bones don’t shatter
like your smile.
this mad world where
we can’t just twist our way
out of these
sheets.
can’t lie outta these faces
they just keep staring.
but no one can measure up
to those eyes
that gratify the soul
you almost get sick of the
same stare
but after awhile I’m used to this
mediocre sea of people
where I’m drowning.
everyone remains the same dull
voice.
but once in awhile
you find a candid soul
over in the corner.
the air out here
smells of lights
i walk these streets as if i
i knew this place like the
back of my hand
and every corner has
a dark mystery
like your lips up close.
there’s a chance we could
die in the middle of nowhere
there’s a chance you brought
me to safety.

so this is me spilling over
the left over thoughts from
the day
and its a day to day
meal made out of my creativity.
i wasn’t born to be so sterile
but i live with their sharp teeth.
there could have been more to me
you could have seen it
you could have had it
but i was never the option
to act upon.
the door you thought was open
was a stale desolation.
i was molding from the inside
i was the child i could not
protect.
the cold can bite my tongue
i might even go up in smoke.
but tonight is my titanic,
the impulse
going down past midnight
so what of it?
i linger on for the words
but no one holds any weight
to my thought these days.
inspiration seems to be
the key that
turns in locked stomachs
a generation deprived.
and here i am thinking of you
but none of that matters much
because i smile at the things you don’t know
and how you can’t see past
yourself
so i guess that makes you
still def and
still blind
;0

this is how you remind me
of tragic endings.
this how you taught me to run
in the opposite direction.
this is how
it must have killed
all that i used to be..
maybe that’s a good thing.
the walls are harder to climb
so i sit against it
and smoke the guilt
til it burns up the fuel.
hell is what we call the flames.
and walls don’t grow themselves

reducing the fractions
of situations
yeah, our mindless game.
matter into math.
we end up with solutions
that answer nothing.
yeah,
our lives look smaller now
when numbers turn into clocks.
so you act on open doors
and you see me.
but you were wrong
and i’m on the outside shaking.
maybe its a matter of surreal thoughts
the way you look at a meaning.
your fantasy verses my feeling.
well its anything but the
silence that gets me nowhere
gets us nowhere.
so don’t speak in hopes
to blame my half-witted mistake.
its who
i used to be to you.
now i’m a thirsty flame
dying inside your frame.
yeah,
in your thoughts
i bet i died their too.
now its a matter of surfacing
the incompatible differences
between us.
no, i think I’ll wait til you
disappear
it hurts less when i can’t see you

this mess
was all we had to rest on.
these memories
so far away they look like
diseased insects
the ones that keep sleep the factor
not the fact.
i hate the way they worm their way
through my sleeves
it kills me
and im freezing in the winter

flash back
tell me if this is weak
when i lack the strength to breathe
so i told you that this breath is
going to have to wait
well i lied
i need every inhale of whats left
of this conclusion
or tragedy.
don’t ask me.
you say its not healthy
this mannerism
but what all that i do
won’t lead to my death?
you seem so scared of what
this has turned out to be
but we were just lovers
just.

I tell myself,
girl you’ve got
to end this
let them see your weakness,
but they look and
never see the rest of you.
it never fails.
he says, but girl you can always
take the back door
your not to far away.
so i’m loosing when
i play his game
but where else can i run?
it seems we are made for this
it seems we hit for guaranteed miss.
we forged the truth to satisfy our happiness
and were never happy with any of it
and now you wake up
on the floor
wishing life was a song
instead of a never ending merry-go-round
but what else am i destined to
follow other than fear?
when the right paths are not always easy to pursue
and the words and promises
are miss leading.
like books that don’t always reveal
a true ending
just fiction with a sugar coating. there lives are a lie
and ours are either worse
or no better.
the turning point in my life
is a bit like the turning knife
only life seems to go on
and i am made to spill my soul.

so i guess i’m the reason its so cold
these days
i was told that winter gets old
in this simple state.
but you still don’t see flames give out
so easily like me..when
your words slipped inside my soul
and made an ash tray of my dignity.
how i regret this tragic flaw.
and i guess I’m just the victim
bought with blood..
and i suppose my mistakes
were just the running will
to die by guns
and sink like ships.
the war has not given up
on me
we face the battlefront to dismay
with weapons aimed to find your heart.
i was a living soldier amongst this
ground
now my ways
are the ghost in my dreams,
where i sleep with a light
immersed in a gray haze.
so were told to fight like monsters?
i guess that comes easy to you.
so im told to fight for my urge to
watch you fall and i’m
compelled to compose my
sorry soul.
i have set your unforgiven trust
on fire
to watch it burn in
my personal hell.
what do you think of me now?
sympathy is the
the tiger in the cage
the salt in the burning rage
avoiding it at any cost.
so you roam the hallways
in your presence succeed
but i am at the place
where the sore ends
and now its time to become
something
no matter how bad it gets
in this place.
there’s a reason i was
brought to my knees.
you will never see what I’ve seen.
but for now
i’m sure
i’m just an entertaining failure..
you loved to watch while
i release my pain.
i know its because of you
i fall out of sane.
the cold metal
sticking inside you
were the unspoken words
i wish i could say
but we don’t cross paths
like we used to
we lock eyes like enemies
in the ways were used to.

im so sorry
i say it blankly,
but nothing is there
but the dry winter
filling out the empty scene.
i guess all that is good for me
is a fast moving train
that passes by me holding
time on a short string.
oh what troubled me
the most in my weakest nights
was the snow that fell on my
heart.
i can’t dream it up
and hope to call it a miracle in
witting.
nothing that is put
to words
has anything to do with me
it seems.
i sit beside the window
as it fogs from the outside
i want to draw the silhouette
of winter’s heart..